We’ve all seen headlines about women killed by an intimate partner or the elderly neglected by their children and are horrified by the devastating and insidious problem of domestic abuse. However, we are also relieved that it seems to happen to other people, never anyone we know. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Millions of boomers are suffering in silence, too afraid to speak up or too ashamed to break away from their current situation.
Domestic abuse is any coercive behavior that a spouse/child/caregiver uses to exploit, injure, mistreat or violate another person. The tactics an abuser uses include intimidation, threats, put downs and other verbal sabotage. It may also include physical or sexual violence and often involves financial secrecy, dependence and restrictions. Abuse cuts across all socio-economic boundaries, all ages, both genders and all religions. It is based on the principals of power and control and is perpetrated most frequently against women, but is growing amongst men. Abuse is no longer a family matter. It has grown into a crime. The Social Service community will investigate any suspected abuse against a child, the elderly or the infirmed and prosecute the offender.
While the large contingency of Americans known as baby boomers is far from elderly, they are aging. The first group of boomers just turned 60 this year. In some states, social services will investigate alleged abuse of anyone over 60. In most other states, the age is 65. The number of older victims continues to increase. Regrettably, few younger victims seek help; even fewer older victims contact domestic abuse programs or report abuse to authorities. Fear appears to be a major factor, especially the threat of harm.
To understand the mindset of an abused woman, examine this scenario. You’re a 50 year old woman, married 30 years, and in a turbulent relationship for the majority of that time. You have two options. You can stay in the marriage or you can leave. If you leave, where do you go? The idea that you should leave your home to stay somewhere else or with someone else is scary. Are you financially secure? Do you have the confidence or wherewithal to care for yourself? How can you tell the kids/relatives about the abuse, since you’ve kept it a secret all these years? For the past 30 years you were made to feel helpless, worthless, stupid, isolated and unloved. Can you be independent? If you stay, can you endure another 30 years of abuse from someone who feels entitled and who rarely takes responsibility for his inappropriate behavior?
The abuser, on the other hand, is illustrated in this parable of a newly married couple. After the ceremony, a farmer and his new bride climb into a horse-drawn buggy and begin their trip back to the farm. As they travel along, the horse suddenly stops. The farmer gets out of the buggy, goes up to the horse, and says, “That’s ONE!” Then gets back into the buggy, takes the reins and the horse moves forward. Once again, the horse suddenly stops. The farmer gets off the buggy, goes up to the horse and yells, “That’s TWO!” Then he gets on again and the horse continues moving. In the middle of nowhere, the horse stops one more time. This time, the farmer takes his shotgun and as he goes up to the poor horse, he looks him in the eye and tells him, “That’s
THREE!” and shoots him dead. By then the farmer’s wife is terrified, and she doesn’t know what to think. “What did you do that for?” she asks her new husband. Looking into her eyes, the farmer pauses and says, “That’s ONE!”
This anecdote is an example of psychological abuse. In view of the widespread intimidation of so many women, the story is not very funny, but is an excellent example of the abuser’s mindset. It shows the subtle, yet insidious behavior that sets the stage for years and years of coercion and manipulation ahead for this young woman.
What can you do? There are three steps you can take to start the process of change.
1. Acknowledge that your power and ability to feel complete, whole and free-thinking have been taken from you. The self-doubt, insecurity and shame associated with the abuse have made you into a shell of who you used to be.
2. Talk to someone. Don’t keep it a secret. Find a professional experienced in domestic abuse and a support group to learn the dynamics of abuse and how to break the cycle.
3. Realize that you can regain your sense of self, your wisdom, and your motivation and become empowered to live life enthusiastically and without fear.
Your therapist/support group will guide you to do the following:
1. Get support from family and friends.
2. Work on a safety plan to assure your well-being in the marriage or after you leave.
3. Encourage you to know your financial status. All women should have an updated will and be able to protect their resources before there is a crisis.
4. Speak to a lawyer to get legal information regarding safeguarding your assets.
5. Document all emotional abuse (in a journal), and report all physical abuse to authorities.
Anyone in an abusive relationship needs a lot of support. Baby boomers, in particular, may have more difficulty because the years of emotional abuse leave long lasting scars, and take away a woman’s confidence to make choices. Furthermore, boomers have so much invested in their marriage – a nice home, financial security, a full social life, which is hard to give up. However, at what expense?
There is no shame in seeking help, nor is their guilt for allowing this kind of behavior to be a part of your life for so many years. Changing an abusive relationship or breaking away from the abuse are both not easy. However, when you are ready, there are numerous resources available and a healthy new start ahead.
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Amy Sherman, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor in private practice. She is the author of “Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer’s Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life.” Go to www.bummedoutboomer.com and receive 75 Strss-Relieving Activities when you sign up for her free eNewsletter. Amy can reached at amy@bummedoutboomer.com or 561-281-2975.